Bullets On My Bed: Trigger Warning: Suicide
J. Monique Gambles, LMFT
08 September 2024
Being a counselor, therapist, or in the caring profession, one might assume that these professionals are above suicide or that such ideas never cross their minds. I think suicidal ideation in our profession is probably underreported for that reason. Being an advocate for vulnerable individuals or marginalized groups, I can tell you for a fact that suicidal ideation is prevalent even if no one takes their cries for help, seriously.
There is a dark side to our profession as well as people part of it that don’t value all human life. There is no oversight to protect vulnerable individuals. Ethical guidelines don’t address issues like bullying because they expect that licensed clinicians wouldn’t bully their peers, clients, or other human beings. It’s as though they expect an individual to pass a test and then lose all their biases, or hatred. If only. Sure, there are no “mean girls” in our profession or misogynist males. No one is stealing clients, underpaying therapists, bullying, being toxic, and keeping certain groups confined. Of course not. Unfortunately, this is happening, and many contemplate ending their lives rather than leaving the profession or making a report anyway. The isolation in a field that hypocritically challenges its clients to avoid, IS REAL.
"Being a target of bullying via rumor spreading and isolation, I’ve had more than my share of long nights and contemplations because nothing made sense to me."
I’ve had bullets on my bed. Thankfully, the same whispers to destroy me, began to give me strength, and I recognized something powerful after talking to an ex-childhood boyfriend— when he shared with me this: dogs don’t bark at parked cars. He didn’t know how much I was struggling as we talked about his brother who competed suicide only a year ago due to adult bullying. But his words were like music to my ears or language that finally made sense. I was victim-thinking but claiming to be a survivor.
The dogs had been barking since graduate school. They bark whenever I show up for a new assignment, create an idea, or open my eyes to take on the day, happy, full of zest, and determined that I will be used by God wherever I am. Not even their barks can stop that.
Others are so uncomfortable in their inadequacies, that they try to highlight or create failure or issues in others. And the brighter your light, the darker the individual or groups you’ll attract. Keep shining anyway.
If you are contemplating ending your life, reach out to crisis line 988 and talk with peer support and trained individuals to help you rethink what is still available to you: support. Time continues and as tough as things are in the moment we know that things do shift. Commit to seeing the good in being part of a profession that has and can do a lot of good for humanity.
I AM my sister’s keeper, but I am mine as well.