Secrets: Bonds Broken Bonds Forged
08 February 2024
So many of the trust issues women have with other women often stem from a prior experience of betrayal of any type – but sharing information that was told in confidence seems to be one of the most devastating. What is it about secrets that hold the very existence of a bond with such fragility?
It can be a daunting act to share one’s innermost thoughts, fears, mistakes, or experiences with someone, especially when it takes a great deal of vulnerability to even mutter …out loud. The violation that occurs when a statement of discreet trust is given to an unintended individual can be devastating. The gravity of what it does to a sisterhood bond varies from a range of forgivable to destructive.
Wrongly disclosing matters like having unnatural hair color or smudging details of actual employment salary are lower on the scale of perceived disloyalty.
"A strong unwavering bond is now a facade and a wound that would still have remnant effects on future sisterhood exchanges."
However, secrets that hold hurtful or regretful space in a person’s heart and mind can create a scar that may never be healed. From my own experiences and also vicariously – secrets shared and then impetuously or hurtfully told shape our interactions as we navigate the different spaces of sisterhood, mentally and emotionally.
I recall a friend, considered a sister for over a decade – inclusive of shared families, dating details, accomplishments, mistakes, and doubts. We were involved in so many aspects of each other’s lives. What a freeing and vulnerable space to be able to have with a friend. But, how overwhelmingly hurtful it was to have private aspects of my life replayed to me during an argument …. with her sister. The damage was acute. There was no way we… or I would ever be the same. A strong unwavering bond is now a facade and a wound that would still have remnant effects on future sisterhood exchanges.
To be deemed trustworthy is actually an honor that people who don’t value sincerity in their connections cannot really fathom. Loyalty should be deemed one of the highest integrity character traits. It should also be non-contingent. Falling out of love in a friendship/sisterhood relationship unfortunately happens and can be more traumatic than a romantic split. The reality is, to really take what it means to have sisterhood with someone is to show up genuinely, a real basis to the cliche of treating others how you would want to be treated. That includes entering an area of sisterhood with a foundational knowing to keep innermost, private aspects (shared and witnessed) in a proverbial vault space in one’s mind – without a disclaimer required of please don’t share what I’m telling you or what you saw with anyone.
Sisters, mentors, aunts, colleagues, cousins, lovers, neighbors, even strangers – all have secrets and wish to share with ease within some type of sisterhood…to just let it out. However, all of these facets of women may be concerned about secrets being judged or told. Wrongly sharing a discreet revelation is not the only way to violate trust – judgment carries the scale of doubt or hesitance which can open one to shame.
There is a large, encouraging realm of sisterhood and secrets that exists in women who love…. authentically. Genuine sisterhood: supporters of those who are doing the introspective work of healing from experiences regardless and having the hard conversations to garner honest self-awareness. There are many navigating through to each other: being led by our seeking for ourselves what we provide to others. To understand what it takes to be trusted as a safe space for a sister is to truly love oneself, also. It feels good and is good for the mental and emotional intelligence to be upstanding as it relates to trust. One can present as a safe space, but actions will reveal the hearts regardless.
Peace,
Yuni