Yemi Lekuti, Ph.D., LPC, CGP

We’ve all been there: a friend tells us something in confidence and either starts or ends with this simple request, “Please don’t say anything.” 

Most people think the secrecy is based on something juicy being told or to be a menace. The truth about most things asked to be kept a secret falls under the most crucial relational question: Can you be trusted? There is another beautiful piece to being entrusted with a friend’s secret: they trust me. Trust is an imperative and intimate component of any relationship. Without it, it is like trying to drive a car without gasoline. Thanksgiving meal without the turkey or ham. A seed with no soil to be placed in. It cannot go anywhere; it lacks sustenance and has no chance of growing. A friendship is useless without trust.

Everyone has expectations when keeping a friend’s secret; the most obvious is not saying anything. For the most part, it is an expectation in the book of unwritten rules of friendships. The only rule to maintaining a friend’s secret is not to break their trust. As a freshman in high school, a former friend told me a guy liked me, and though I was ‘boy crazy,’ I remember telling her something like, “Oh, I don’t.” She was surprised by my response and wondered why I did not jump at the chance of dating the guy. I asked her not to say anything, hoping it would pass and I could avoid the situation.

Well, she told him I liked him. 

This started my questioning, “Are you really my friend?” This created another journey of discovering how I know someone can be trusted with my secrets, whether everyone I encounter deserves to be given the title of friend, and, importantly, what I want in a friend. 

Of course, there are situations where we wonder if the secrets are supposed to be kept. What if the secret hides abuse, infidelity, or anything that causes a foundational shift in what we value? The conundrum of knowing that the information is harmful and possibly betraying a friend if you say something can create a powerful dissonance that keeps you awake at night. In this case, to say something is to recognize that you may not be forgiven, thus jeopardizing the friendship. To say nothing is acknowledging that you are playing an active role in being complacent, thus perpetuating a problematic system. We now find ourselves keeping secrets and the pain they cause.

We do not have control over any outcomes when choosing our hard, whether to say something or keep it quiet. The decision to keep or reveal a secret depends on the person’s values and consideration of the potential consequences. Suppose we allow ourselves time to understand the verity behind kept secrets or why someone would disclose our secrets. In that case, we might allow ourselves to either value the soul we have chosen as our friend or be careful with what we ultimately decide to share. 

           In any friendship, we hope that our friends do not share our secrets out of malicious intent. It is also important to consider how much we value friendship and what we might say our reasoning was should they come to find out we revealed their secret. Having friends who would tell me they would not say anything about what was said but would act accordingly with the person who caused the pain was all the alliance and support I needed. Because I know them and have paid attention to how they represent themselves, I know I can trust them with any secret, and theirs with me. When people show you they are the first time, they do not need a second opportunity to show you they are consistent.