A Spark We Can Choose
J. Monique Gambles, LMFT
"A spark can fade or extinguish on its own or with help."
walk away. How does one know which battle, or when
to walk away? If it costs you your peace? If it impacts your livelihood? If it is about your reputation? If it costs you your health? When is the appropriate time to fight back? And if you choose to fight, what would it look like?
These are the general questions I’ve asked myself when faced with a Goliath. The fight isn’t fair. The disadvantages can be disheartening. Scary. Fear has often paralyzed me. In the past, I’ve walked away more times than I should have and ignored situations and people that deserved my fight. I chose to walk away from some of the opportunities because the disrespect was too loud. People in power being dismissive rattles my nerves. Experiencing microaggressions and being silenced in places that deserved to hear and experience me are situations I can never get back, but they are reminders of what happens when paralyzed with fear, doubt, and being comfortable with the status quo. These failures are also reminders to stand up for myself and the opportunities I want and to speak the truth respectively and honestly to power.
Labeled as aggressive, mean, and being undermined in positions of leadership, women are often characterized unjustly. Our responses are scrutinized and undervalued. Our stories and experiences need verification and even when that occurs, there is still hesitation. Being a black woman, these labels, pauses, and denial of veracity can be more damaging and prevent access to basic human rights. Still. When I show up for positions, immediately my peers, both men and women, black, brown, and white, challenge me. Some disregard my education, experience, and my presence. Some attempt mind games, or sabotage. Knowing this, does this mean every time I show up, I must be ready to fight to exist? To matter. To lead. To speak truth to power? Do I accept responsibility for quietly permitting these individuals to disregard me by not challenging their assumptions?
"The best encounters for me have always been by chance or unexpected."
In knowing that I am energy, the best conclusion I can draw is that in my showing up, Goliaths don’t matter. Life can be rough. Shifting the focus to me and not Goliath allows me to embrace my journey. Be steadfast in my approach to uncover all my parts and fix me. I will not talk myself out of success, be doubtful of my education, or my ability to love without conditions. On this path, I will not drown any sorrows or my trauma with substances or bury them so deep that I would no longer know myself.
To some people, I will not matter, but all who experience me, will in some way, acknowledge the experience. Good, bad, or indifferent. I can write one thousand essays, articles, posts, emails, or texts and neither may change someone’s perception of me. But to experience me in encounters of physical presence, that’s something different and undeniable. I am intense. There will be doubts because every label, and hijacked, misconstrued perception, will be dismantled. I will see you and I will hear you. For some, that can be scary. Ironically, I am least afraid of these encounters.
Meeting new people or engaging in discourse is underrated. At each encounter, there is an opportunity to learn something new about us and others. This is quite exciting. The best encounters for me have always been by chance or unexpected. A person across a crowded room, a shared glance. Then a spark. When it feels good, I go with that. We notice and meet the people we are destined to meet. At our jobs, places of worship, grocery stores, Uber rides, or in passing. These encounters are not accidental. I’ll speak with a CEO, a celebrity, or a janitor with the same gusto and excitement. I show up.
A spark can fade or extinguish on its own or with help. What was good can still be even when attempts by others to dissuade arise. How? Energy. It wasn’t their experience in the first place, so why allow someone else’s experience to impact yours? The glance and spark aren’t about romance yet there is still warmth. By chance, it is about romance, don’t miss this opportunity because of reacting to someone else’s ideals. That would be such a tragedy.
Surviving trauma has taught me to choose how I engage with others and make my own decisions on whether an individual and I connect further. To have lived a life of bare minimum contact because I allowed others to discourage me from experiencing someone else is a dull life. In the last twelve or more years, I’ve approached new encounters with gusto. When I learned my truth, I’ll admit, I was a bit hesitant at times for fear that I would not be accepted. I have since realigned with the joy in encounters with others. They haven’t been perfect, but all is well.
I feel like my fight is more about that these days. Not to be accepted, but to be able to go out in this world and meet people. Have discourse. Laugh. Agree. Disagree. Learn and grow. I like this feeling. To me, it’s the universe’s way of reminding me that I am alive and well. I can choose how the encounter goes. It’s a beautiful place. For however long.