Why Are You Telling Her Business
February 8, 2024
" A woman shares parts of herself that are not for general conversation, possibly because of proximity, energy, semblance, or position. "
One of the principles of sisterhood is how secrets are handled. If more women understood this concept more appropriately, relationships would benefit. And I’m not talking about our friends because that should be a given. I’m talking about our encounters with each other when another woman shares her secrets, intimate information that is deep while being vulnerable with you for whatever reason. A woman shares parts of herself that are not for general conversation, possibly because of proximity, energy, semblance, or position. How you should handle this versus how women handle this is the conversation we need to have but won’t for fear that our image might be tarnished because we failed at the business of secret keeping.
Hearing the word secret brings me back to childhood and two experiences. I remember this game a friend played on me by whispering to other kids at our neighborhood playground of steel deathtraps that we frequented that I had put tissue in my training bra. I did, and it was a total failure, but after she and I giggled, she had a time teasing me that she was telling other kids that I was a tissue stuffer. I distinctly remember this feeling of fear that kids would know this about me and tease me. I also felt a sense of loss because I had no control in that moment. I did stuff my bra. She and I knew it, and besides protesting with a lie, I was helpless. She assured me she was only pretending to whisper in their ears, yet I heard her in a drunken whisper, “Jeannine puts tissue in her bra.” Repeatedly. In every ear, her pouty lips touched. I shared details about a friend and who she was with intimately. I would interject that this was an accident, but that does not matter because that is not what my friend felt. She was upset. Hurt. She straight-up called the person who said something a bitch. And I had to agree—it was a bitch move on my part. I sat there like a bitch. Accident or not. As an adult, I’ve worked hard to become a vault. To pay close attention to others who try and trip me up to spill another person’s secret or colloquial tea.
For others, the term secret might take them back to a time. Perhaps there was a time when they were taught such things as “What’s said or done in this house stays in this house,” and because of that, abuse and trauma occurred. They were taught that keeping these secrets was part of their identity. These are secrets that we believe we must keep. We keep them for the sake of others. However, with the aid of a professional counselor, therapist, pastor, or trusted friend, these are the secrets that, once released, allow a woman to live free.
"They shared my business like an episode of Anything Trash before I made it home. "
There is but one rule in the secret-keeping business. When they shared this information with you, what were their expectations of you? Inform you? Confide in you? Trust you? And when you broke that, what did you feel? That’s the rule. If they expect you to hold their information or hear their information, that’s what you should do. In legal matters, I would never advise you to break the law because guilt by association is real. Knowing that someone is committing a crime and not alerting the authorities is a crime. Concealing information that endangers a child, an elderly person, or individuals with disabilities who cannot speak for themselves is also a crime. There is an exception to the rule.
I’ve been on the unfortunate personal end of other women sharing another woman’s secret. It’s an awful feeling. First, seeing this person in a different light without their permission felt like an invasion of her privacy. Secondly, knowing that the woman who shared her secrets with the rulebreaker probably wasn’t expecting her business to be shared so freely and her deepest parts exposed felt yucky. Having to parse through and determine truth versus cruelty is harsh on my iambic system, taking me out of rhythm. It also doesn’t feel good to be part of this. I determined I would defend any woman who cannot guard her secrets. Make a conscious effort to check the rulebreaker assertively and ask, “Why are you telling her business?” I have learned that those willing to share someone’s secret with me were jealous of the other woman, and sharing her information with me was their way of reducing this person’s shine, impact, or connection to me. It’s middle school antics at best.
Unlike my younger years, experiencing someone share something that I shared with them confidentially has taught me some tough lessons on forgiveness and understanding. I don’t meet too many strangers. I generally love meeting people, getting to know them, hearing their ideas, and looking for ways to connect. But even in those connections, I’ve learned that some people are in positions that don’t allow them to hold my secrets. I set them up to fail me. Do I blame them? In retrospect, no, not at all. I shared parts of myself with some women because they made me feel safe. I have a great deal of respect for them. Others, I regretted it almost immediately. They did not let me down. They shared my business like an episode of Anything Trash before I made it home. Either way, all is well.
Maybe we’ve all heard the saying, “If a dog brings a bone, they are taking a bone.” That’s probably a more accurate statement than we realize. A woman with no problem sharing someone else’s secret will eventually tell yours. But, to demonstrate that you can hold secrets and make the tough decision on who gets to learn about your business or check that dog, that same dog bringing a bone will eventually get tired and stop. We hope.